Life Between Hell and Earth: Life with Jerry Part 1

A few years back in the year 2000 Lee was going through a ruff time in his life. He had depression, divorce, a restraining order, a week stay in a mental institution, a newly lost house, a boss that was an asshole, and the list multiplies by folds. That was hell.

The Deepest darkest hell was not being able to see my kids for just about a year except for supervised visits with the ex-mother in law. Trying to hold true as I got to see the pain of my kids wondering why they could not call or be with their dad for more than just a few hours. The pain that I had to go through just to call to set up a time to see the kids. the pain of wondering what was being told to them as I lay awake in bed. If there were lies and betrail going on. If they were being told that daddy was just an ass. I still have dreams of those days gone by and really wonder what was going on through out their little heads. I dearly missed them during this time but it was actually my time to rise above the bowls of hell that I was thrust upon and had to fight my way back to the surface of the deep dark depression that had snuck upon me.

I went to more counseling after I got out of the hospital. I was on three different meds that would put me into a state that made me function at a medium level. Between sadness and happiness I strolled through not as a zombie but just a bit more. A drone would be a good comparison.

I moved out of the lost house and moved into my dad's basement. Went to work and put up with a shit of a boss. And found time to myself for one day to spend with my kids for a couple of hours. Yes as to answer your question why didn't I spend more time with my kids? I do not know. I felt ashamed and beat down and a couple of hours was all that I could muster to be with my boys. I felt nervous and fearful that I would do the wrong thing and then would not be able to spend any time with them. I was scared and I was still in hell.

I started going to a group called Beginning Experience. Its main purpose was to help people going through a loss such as divorce, separation, and death. I felt that all three described me because death would had been an option, separation only prolonged it and it was still there and divorce was what I was going through. I attended the group setting for what seemed like years but it only lasted a few months. I would tell everyone that "I intend to come out the other end smelling like a rose." And I did. I realised that my life for the most part was what these other people were going through and that I was not the only one that was having problems such as I with depression and yes the group did a lot for me and I thank them all for the help that I got. After all I came out the other end like a rose. I could write and write about this and even wrote a poem about it. I will post it at a later time. I think this is where I was crawling out from the bowels of hell.

They say that your not to make to many changes while going through a divorce because it might come back and bite you in the ass. Well me being the person I am and sometimes likes to cut with the grain, I decided to change jobs where I was at. After a short time there I was told by a friend that if I found a job in Billings, I could stay with him until I found a place to live. Well long story short, I found a job in Billings and moved from my dads place with a small bit of stuff and went to my friends.

I can't remember the time line now but I do know that somewhere in there the divorce came up final. I got custody with the kids every other weekend and I was finally done with going back in forth with the court. The kids came to stay at Billings for the weekend and well I guess it went well other than the oldest wanting to go home about midnight. We called his mom and finally got him settled down. Separation anxiety was with him that night and many nights to come. I was nervous, biting my lips, and almost sick because here I was with my kids alone and didn't know what to do with them. Remember I hadn't got to see my kids for almost a year. They had gotten so big and more of a personality than I could remember. Each visit got a bit better.

I still miss out on everything it seems like baseball, football, swimming, and a few other activities. I make some of each and try to spend an equal amount of time at each event but the life of working nights and sometimes a screwy schedule can play havoc with things.

I feel sad because of the days missed and the bumps and bruises. I am happy though because they have turned out to be fine young boys and I hope that just because of my past fuck ups and wrong doings that they will become more of a man than I turned out to be.

((Continued) Life Between Hell and Earth: Life with Jerry Part 2)