I traveled to California July 6th, 2012 to see my mother (Step), knowing this might be the last time that I ever got to see her. How do I call her my mother, very easy.
When I was a young, yes, I had a maternal mother but it seems now that as I look back that I was just there for my maternal mom not the other way around. I'm sure there was love excreta, I was a child and I did not know the difference. As I grew more mature, I knew the feelings but I just did not get that that from my maternal mother. When my parents divorced, I chose to stay with my mother. Still being young I thought it was the right thing to do in my mind. But as the years went by I felt I was more of a convenience than a son. There in my eyes was no love. Long story short, I went to live with my father and step mother.
When I moved in, there was something that I had never had before. Loving and caring people. I look back now as unconditional love that I received from my step mother. My step mother had become my mother that I never had. I'm not being hateful just honest.
My maternal mother (Dixie) passed away July 1st, 2010, two days short of her birthday. I was sad that she passed and I shed some tears, but the thing that really stuck in my mind was that Agnes was the only mother I had now. Agnes had raised me for the most part most of my life but living under the same roof from 16 to who I am now. Fearful was the only way I felt. I knew someday would come when Aggie would no longer be there.
Wounds that were cut into my soul from Dixie were cured by Agnes. She helped heal most of those wounds. To better help me understand that she had the love that me being a son had always needed, she had it and gave it to me as I were her own.
Agnes has cancer, the type that spreads like wildfire through the lymph nodes. To see her now, I wish I could have come more often to see her. My step sister Joann said that she felt selfish for moving her out to California. The plan was to come back to Montana in July but being that frail she would not handle it. I told Jo that she should not feel that way. She got to spend it with her mother. Something a mother and daughter should do. Aggie would not have went if she did not want to. I am happy for both Aggie, Jo and Des. They all got to see that old lady in Cali. I know she had a great time. With the sight seeing and such and Aggie mentioning every plant she seen.
I wish I had come out more, but work and money always play a roll. But dammit I made it this time. We talked. We talked about Chris and Erik. We talked about Morgan and Tonja. We talked about my and Tonja's work. But we never talked about the now. what was going on now. But sometimes when she was sleeping I would sit next to the bed and weep because I knew this would be the last time I would see her. I shuddered in my chair and knew that I would miss that unconditional love. And that my step mother WAS my real mother.
I have thought clear minded and with alcohol on board and the results are always the same. It always led to tears. I will miss her when she is gone. Wanting to hear her laugh, talk about basketball on the radio, her garden and yard, the birds, and everyone that she loved.
I considered myself lucky that I had the life I did. Two mothers and a father.
Agnes passed away July 29, 2010 from her fight with cancer.
I hope that when my time comes that I am met on my departure by my Dad and Aggie with the open arms that led to where I am. Comfort and love. I hope as I write this that my step siblings will know that she was my mother as well, even tho not maternal. And that even tho I am an outsider looking in, that you will all consider me a brother.
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